February 9th, 8:15 pm

Every once in a while, I still think to myself, “Hey, I should call mom; she always wants someone to call her.”

I remember she felt lonely a lot. She used to tell me she had “empty nest syndrome” (I’m still not convinced this is a thing). She wanted me to call her every day if I could, but she accepted my intention to “do my best to call every 2-3 days”. Even if we talked for 10 minutes, she was grateful. And if I said “I have to go so-and-so”, signing off real quick, she was completely understanding. I should have talked longer. 

I miss her voice. I miss her “Ok, darling, thanks for calling”s. I hope I remember her voice forever. I wonder if there comes a time when you can’t really recall on your own and you have to go back to your collection of videos. 

I have a million videos on Facebook (that’s my default dumping ground for ALL photos and videos- I set most to private, but I’m sure it’s not the most “private” option out there, so I need to make it a point to switch over). If I scroll down far enough, I get to the ones of mom. Reading T a book with him on her lap, following him around in the garage area at church, together at the doctor’s office, playing guitar on the stairwell, staring awkwardly and smiling into the camera when I zoomed in on her. She was a smiler. Though the smiles finally started to fade as she got weaker. 

I want to hold her hand again. I want to lean on her and feel her arm around me again. 

I can’t think of a conclusion to this. There doesn’t seem to be any resolution or lesson learned or grand finale to this train of thought. Just ongoing feelings. (Why am I such an emotional being?!) That’s the funny thing about writing. It usually comes in neat, organized parts that fit in nice, little packages and feel complete and resolved and settled. Life is nothing like that (at least not my life ha!).

And with that, I will simply end awkwardly and abruptly.



My Philosophy: When you have nothing else to write about, write about Chocolate

Being the sugary goodness connoseuir that I am, I think it’s only fair that I share some of my infinite wisdom with my beloved readers. The fourteen (hard as I tried, I couldn’t narrow it down to ten) best (not surprisingly mostly all chocolate) desserts on the planet:

1. Pecan pie and apple pie by my aunt C (homemade ALWAYS makes the top of the list!)

2. Chocolate chip cookies by my uncle J – top secret recipe (wondering what I have to do to get it out of him!)

3. Tiramisu by my sister in law H

4. Manner Original Neapolitan Wafers (to DIE for Viennese hazelnut chocolate cookies which if you haven’t tried, you absolutely MUST. I think they may actually warrant a trip to Europe, however, you can also find them for a hiked up price on Amazon or an international food market someplace)

5. Coldstone Founder’s Favorite (this founder clearly knows what’s good). Sweet cream ice cream chock full of pecans, brownie bits, chocolate syrup, and caramel syrup. My mouth is watering talking about it… 

6. Ferrero rochers (I mean I hate to be so predictable but I think we can all agree)

7. Glutino gluten free chocolate covered pretzels (where my gluten free folk at?)

8. Godiva everything (practically)

9. Lindt Lindor “Irresistibly Smooth” dark chocolate truffles (though nearly ALL the flavors I’ve tried are pretty darn irresistible!)

10. Those big variety boxes of “specialty”  European chocolate cookies that I’ve seen anywhere from BJs to my local Chinese supermarket 

11. Pepperidge Farm Geneva Dinstinctive cookies (ooh, not just any cookies, distinctive cookies)

12. Entenmann’s rich frosted doughnuts (you may recall). Oh great, they spell them “donuts”. *facepalm

13. Nutella (something about hazelnut with chocolate! Those Europeans know what they’re doing!)

So I first found this image, and then I found this one:

and I thought Thaaat’s more like it πŸ˜‰ (Found this pic at divyakumar.com – pretty hilarious blog by the way)

14. Riesen chocolates

And that, my friends, concludes my list of all time best (mostly chocolate) sweet tooth satiators! Hope you enjoyed! Comment below if you think I left out something really crucial!

Duh duh duh dun duh DUN!!! *Trumpets playing*

So, I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you we are expecting a baby! My son turned 4 in December, my daughter is 2 and a quarter and this little piggy makes number three! Hubby and I are pretty sure we feel like this completes us, but I think we should always leave the possibility window open a crack, in case God has other plans. We’ll see what I say once bebe is here. I may slam that window right shut 😜.

I am excited and petrified. Part of me finds myself in la la land daydreaming about holding a wee one again, and part of me gets nervous knots in my stomach thinking about handling three at bedtime. Or mealtime or going to school time or anytime.

I have a few friends with three kiddos. I may be knocking on their doors (at least their Facebook Messenger doors) a few times over the next…decade. Surely I will need advice (and comfort?!) from those more experienced than I. My favorite reactions to my news from my seasoned mom friends so far are: “You’re in for a wild and wonderful ride!” and “Three is big time!” πŸ˜¬πŸ˜„

Hey, guys, can we get kisses too?

Since we’re *planning* that three is it, I spent some time reminding myself of all the things I wanted to do during my previous pregnancies that I either got too busy (or lazy) to do or just didn’t allow myself because they were “unnecessary”. I have written out a whole list of things I’m going to do this time around because this is my last chance! One thing on my list is “cute announcement photo”. I wanted to take some “Aww” inspiring announcement photos, so that my entire Pinterest board would not have been made in vain. I actually tried to do the above shoe one when I was pregnant with my daughter, but my husband was fussy and I dropped it. This time I stood my ground and pulled the “Last baby” card! I may have to keep that card real handy πŸ˜‰.  Didn’t my sister in law do a great job? She visited from Cali at just the perfect time! In case you were wondering, no, it is NOT easy to take photos with two active kids. I’m actually amazed how many came out well. We did the same shoe succession picture on a football field as well, so that the number 3 was in it.

This one was with a Samsung (don’t know if you can tell the quality difference at first glance, but this is the main reason I have an iPhone). Lighting was much better at this time of day than in the others. I probably should have gone back home to get my charger, but I didn’t. We came back the next morning on our way to breakfast – hence the really bright ones – and the dang park/field was closed, so we couldn’t go back to the “3”.

This one was taken with my iPhone before it died. Big difference, right? I got these shoes at Walmart. They didn’t really have any gender neutral ones like white or something, but we could have a sporty girl. I may try to do a short gender reveal photo shoot (also something on my list). Not professional, just something like what my sister in law did for us.

I also quite like this unplanned one where you find yourself trying to figure out if that is belly or just lumpy coat.

The answer is both! I definitely started to show earlier this pregnancy than during my first two, which they say is the norm. Not that it made me very happy… I just felt fat. But now my belly is sort of rounding out nicely so it looks more like baby and less like a dozen too many doughnuts. Speaking of doughnuts, during the early weeks, along with nausea came my body’s rejection of sweets. Very weird (but good, of course). The brownies and cookies and chocolate I normally love made me sick, so I went for a while without. It was kind of nice to not have to use will power to avoid all that goodness. As I neared 12 weeks, unfortunately, my usual sweet tooth came back with a vengeance (Eek! Now, where did I leave my Self Control?…)

Readers who have more than two kids, any words of wisdom for me?! Advice is much appreciated! 


In this video, Simon Sinek speaks on “Millenials in the Workplace” and the four major problems with this generation: parenting, technology, impatience, and environment. Ironically (but not surprisingly), I initially discovered it on Facebook. 

Simon Sinek Millenials in the Workplace
[I wish I could embed the actual video here, but I think I need a paid subscription for that (something to work up to πŸ˜‰).]

The message is clear and simple, yet eye opening and profound. As it happens, I am a Millenial myself. In my opinion, the realities described in this video need to be understood by all Millenials/young people of today. The points that hit home with me the most are Technology and Impatience. As Simon says, technology can be addictive and can seriously stunt the emotional, social growth of adolescents especially. Facebook is great, but its use should be carefully monitored. Before I was a parent (because being a parent just changes EVERYTHING), I did have a certain attachment to Facebook. On more than one occasion, I found myself a little too quick to log in, almost automatically, as if my mind couldn’t handle 5 idle seconds. I certainly experienced what many experience: As I scrolled, I subconsciously compared my job, my face, my partner, my clothes, my partying (or lack thereof) to those of my friends. As we all probably know, Facebook is completely one sided. The vast majority of posts on Facebook are of the happy moments, the accomplishments, the victories. People don’t post nearly as much about their struggles, their worries, their failures. For the most part, photos are all carefully selected and edited.

I love that this guy suggests removing temptation. One easy way is charging your phone in a room other than your bedroom. Facebook in itself is a harmless, useful tool (or form of entertainment at the least). We just need to pay attention to how we feel when we use it and whether or not we are relying unhealthily on it.

Next, impatience! Instant gratification is the devil. People have got to learn to WAIT. I am so insanely aware of the danger of instant gratification that I keep myself up at night worrying about how I’m going to teach my 4 year old son patience and the necessity and beauty of delayed gratification. Most of this generation’s unhealthy expectation of immediate gratification is a product of the Internet, obviously. The Internet is genius and powerful and freeing and dangerous. As a parent, it is my number one worry.

As I sign off tonight, I want to ask you this: Please don’t be afraid to talk about the ugly, to show the ugly. Life is made up of just as many disappointing moments as joyful moments, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Challenges and failures teach us to be resilient, to be appreciative. Imperfection makes us compassionate, makes us human. Be true to yourself and embrace the people in your life for all their perfect imperfections (Thanks, John Legend πŸ˜‰).


So, I’ve been really overwhelmed by a lot of things (some of which I’ll go into at a later time) and this week, everything was just magnified because I have both the kids because of Winter break. I swear I feel like I’ve been non stop screaming. I am trying so hard to teach my four year old patience, respect, and Number One: Refraining-From-Hitting-The-Sister. It is super freaking hard! I’m hoping things will cool off once he’s back at daycare, but it’s like it takes literally two seconds for him to snap at her. I’ll admit, I snap too! So maybe I’m contributing to the problem! Aghhhhh what am I doing with my life?!?! My friends have tried to comfort me, and they’ve helped. “We all go through this”, “You’re a good mom”, “They’re just kids”. And yet I still feel so desperately worried that I am scarring my children for life by doing something wrong.

No solutions today. Just venting. 

Bedtime used to be my favorite time of the day. Y would go down into her crib without a fight while T stayed patiently in the other room playing by himself for 5 minutes. Then, all of a sudden, he decides he WILL NOT stay in the other room. And almost simultaneously Y decides she WILL NOT go down into her crib without a very loud fight. So for a few weeks, I struggled with them and tore my hair out trying to figure out what I should do (my husband works nights, so I’m alone). After some contemplation, I decided I shouldn’t force my son away from me if he just wants to be close to me. So I let him stay with Y and I in her bedroom. Our current set up is just the three of us all lying next to each other on the big bed. T is still pretty calm and falls asleep relatively easily (I miss my sweet alone time with my sweet boy), but Y, oh my God, she is a hot mess when she’s trying to fall asleep (like T used to be…so I guess it’s normal). Just the tossing and turning and rolling on us and the whining and crying UGHHH for like an hour (at about the halfway point, her brother usually falls asleep). And just like that, bedtime is now my LEAST favorite part of the day. I pray to God it changes again (well, yeah, of course it will, but we don’t know when).

I also had a really uncomfortable (ok, infuriating) conversation earlier today with some family members, and I am just so done at this point.

I love parenting. I share many, many inspiring, life giving moments with my children. Today, it’s just really hard.

Sorry for the doom and gloom post… In case you missed it the first couple times, I am having a sh*t day. Just keepin’ it real, folks. Hope y’all are feeling better than I.

Obligatory Christmas Post

Merry Christmas everybody!!! I love Christmas. It’s so beautiful everywhere- all the lit up houses, decorated shop windows, and sometimes snow if we’re lucky. Christmas classics on the radio are the cherry on top (though I adamantly believe these should not be played -or listened to- until the earliest, after Thankgiving).

We had a beautiful Christmas service at church. My dad recounted the story of Jesus, walking us through various parts of the Bible. After all, the most important thing at Christmas is to remember what it’s really all about- God being able to finally send His Son. The shiny packages and bows (and Santa Claus’) are nice, but I hope that people will always, always remember the true meaning and Christian spirit of Christmas.

After church, we went to my aunt’s house. I am blessed to have a good number of family members living close by me. This year, I’ve come to really appreciate that. I’ve talked to several people recently who have told me how lucky I am to have so many local family members to spend special occasions with. It’s true! On the big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, usually almost 30 of us gather together. (This is my dad’s side of the family- the Chinese side. My mom’s side is in North Carolina, my second home, and I missed them this Christmas. It’s a little more difficult to plan out getting together with mom’s side, but always worth it. You may recall our visit this past Summer?)

My kids were delighted to open their piles and piles of gifts. I took a bunch of photos and videos, of course, as a good mom should. Though about three quarters of them are out of focus or someone’s head is cut off or someone’s picking their nose (what else is new). That’s why the trick is to take three times more photos than a normal person (i.e. non mom of toddlers) would. I’m sure I’ll be able to dig out a few keepers. I did buy a couple of matching Paul Frank shirts for the kids this year: “I’m on the Nice List” for Y and “Does good enough count?” for T. Bless that little boy’s heart, he is doing so, so much better. Learning more self control and delayed gratification, and becoming such a good helper to me (Lord knows I need it right about now).

It’s always so nice to see my cousins. I miss the times when I could sit and have a conversation for longer than 3 minutes without being interrupted. But those times will come again.

Fellow humans, treasure your loved ones at Christmas and always! At the end of the day, the quality time spent with them is truly the only thing that matters.

Two Years

On November 26th, two years had officially passed since mom died. A group of friends and family went to her gravesite and had a small ceremony- sang, prayed, read devotional. We brought her some beautiful flowers and her favorite foods. (You’re the only person I’ll ever bring myself to make liver and onions for, mama!)

Mom was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2003, when I was 14. She underwent her prescribed chemotherapy and had a hysterectomy, and was later considered in remission. I was not a good daughter that year – too consumed in my own selfish desires and concerns. I remember feeling lost at 14 for many reasons, not knowing clearly what was up and what was down, and what I really wanted. Deep down, I’m sure I wanted to help my mom and be close to her, especially when she was suffering so much, but I felt so detached and disconnected from her – emotionally, for sure, but almost to the point of feeling physically detached. She was getting thinner every day, throwing up constantly, but I generally helped her get to the bathroom or brought her what she needed quickly, and then went about my business, often alone in my room. I do remember going with her to shop for wigs a couple times. There was one instance when her hair was growing back, but she couldn’t tell it was her hair. Her natural hair is red (them Irish genes!), but after chemo, when it started to slowly grow back, it was more brown (mixed with some white and gray). She had been scrubbing her head over and over and she finally said to me in exasperation, “I can’t get my head clean!”. I looked at her head closely and said, “That’s hair, mom.” My heart hurt for her in that moment. I should have been warmer, more tender. Given her a hug and told her she was so strong, I was so proud of her, and everything was going to be ok. But it was too awkward and unnatural; I just didn’t talk to my mom like that. It wasn’t until several years later that I became open and genuine and loving with her. Thank God I finally did, though!

Looking back, my parents and I should have all been more diligent about getting regular checkups after her initial treatment and “clearance” so to speak. At the beginning of 2014, she complained of a cough that never went away no matter how much cough medicine she took. After much persistence and several second opinions, they finally had her take CAT scans. Sure enough. Lung cancer. I asked my mom the year she passed, when she was going back to the hospital and getting opinions from doctors about what to do for her Stage IV cancer, “How did we not catch this earlier?” Apparently, in 2010, she did see a doctor who told her to go back through chemo, but she was hesitant (who knows what planet I was on) and swept it under the rug until she forgot. How could she just forget? Believe me, it’s possible. More on Huntington’s Disease later.

I cried a lot that weekend, even into last week. It’s just a lot to take in sometimes. I mean it’s a simple thing; it’s a death. But with death comes so many layers of emotions you never even knew you had.

C called me on November 26th. Of course she did. She left the kindest, most poignant voicemail. All the simple things I needed to hear. I would expect no less from her. I got back in touch with her a few days later and something she said really touched me. I was explaining that it’s still hard living day to day without my mom and I think about her and miss her often, but overall, in my every day life, I feel a sense of calm and joy and appreciation. Like everything’s going to be ok. I just think about what I have (and who I have) and I feel so incredibly grateful, which naturally leads to a serenity and a happiness that just bubbles out of me. I asked her if that was a good thing or a bad thing. In all honesty, I wasn’t sure. I mean I don’t want to be this idealistic, head in the clouds person (I KNOW I have issues. My husband and I, we have our struggles. We have our shadows). What C said to me gave me a warm hug right through the phone. She said “That is an AMAZING attitude. Don’t ever change that.” Leave it to C to just know me to my core and know with such confidence that I’m a good person.

A lot of what keeps me so happy is little (or big) meetups with good friends! I’m getting ready for my first cookie exchange tomorrow! So excited! Not really gunning for any of the prizes as I’m a totally amateur cookie maker, but just looking forward to mingling with all the girls!

Mama, I know you’ll be there in spirit! I think you’re part of why I feel ok. I think you’re embracing me. I think you watch over me and the kids more than we remember. While you were here, I was the one constantly telling you everything was going to be ok. You had a lot of doubt and fear. I don’t think you have that anymore. And I think you want me to know that. That you’re free and happy and you’re here for me. And that everything really is going to be ok.

Healthy Snacking

So, I’m finally realizing, in my old age, that 


is actually freaking amazing.

Anyone ever make their own? I have GOT to try. I used to turn my nose up at hummus without giving it much of a chance, but this past year, I tried some Tribe Lemon Focaccia with carrots (has to be carrots!) and I gave it enough of a chance…to where I fell in love 😍. To my horror, the local grocery stores I checked didn’t offer Lemon Foccaccia. So, like their website instructs, I emailed Tribe to let them know! I am happy to report that Tribe customer service agents are super cool! They apologized for my distress, suggested I talk to the managers of the stores, and mailed me a ONE FREE Hummus pack coupon! WHAT!! 

So, I decided to try their regular ol’ “classic”. Not as exciting as Lemon Focaccia, but still delicious! I’m currently furiously cutting up a whole bag of carrots. Another element of inspiration is that I’m now getting tons of extra wholesome veggies! My eyes are gonna be amazing! (I hope my skin doesn’t turn orange. As soon as I see a sign of that, I will slow down.)

Another GREAT way to get your veggies in is with Lipton or Knorr (I’ve found them to be equally delicious) spinach dip. It’s essentially mayo, sour cream, spinach (I personally prefer to leave out the water chestnuts), and an intoxicating mix of heavenly spices. I still stick to carrots with this dip, but I’m sure everyone likes different veggies.

Happy (healthy) snacking!

No Pornovember

Yeah, you read right! I’m talking about porn. Someone’s got to. (It does take some guts for me to write about controversial things. My arms are tingling.)

Porn has personally affected (read: wounded) myself and my loved ones and the Fight the New Drug movement is a cause that I hold dear to my heart.

I’m not dishing out judgment. Life is hard. Everyone deals with things. I just wanted to share some truth, some hope and some light on the subject. I believe in transparency and honesty and a good ol’ dose of reality. Porn affects the vast majority of young men and women in this day and age (first exposure becoming younger and younger) and it’s anything but harmless. Growing up, no one talked to me about it, and I am committed to being more engaged with my children at every stage on this topic along with all other tough issues of our modern day.

With that, I leave you your required reading for the night: Fight the New Drug – No PorNovember! Sign up for updates if this cause is important to you!

Obviously, feel free to share with anyone and everyone!

Peace and love ❀️

What are You Capable Of?

I’m having good ol’ bacon and eggs for dinner (cause why not?). I could use some soul food. My kids are both sick (curse you, Transition of Seasons!) and are therefore more irritable and demanding. The level of crazy in this house has gone up at least 40%. Thankfully, the supplements I’ve started using seem to help me keep immunity from whatever they usually catch. Sick kids + sick mom = Game Over. No thanks. But seriously, this needs to be over soon. It’s been over two weeks of fighting and crying and driving me all kinds of crazy.

We still have some of those helium balloons from my sister in law’s going away party. Most of them are deflated and lying around on the floor, but at some point last week when they were still afloat, I had an interesting experience with them.

There were 8. Somehow (probably my curious, wild child) all their strings managed to get tangled up in knots. T really wanted to play with one or two of them separately (they want what they want, right?) but as hard as he tried, he couldn’t separate any of them. So I’m thinking, ok simple enough request. He’s not asking to set them on fire, he just wants his stand alone balloons back. Super Mom, work your magic! But it was not an inspiring knot. It looked pretty awful. My first (and second and third) thoughts were Forget it, these balloons are history. There’s no way I can untie this mess. I told T he just had to find something else to play with because the knot was impossible to untie. He whined and whimpered and finally got distracted.

Later, while he was at daycare, I looked back at those balloons. I wasn’t doing anything particularly important, so I figured Eh, what the heck let me give it a shot. I’m sure it won’t work, but I’ll see if I can somehow force out just one or two. Maybe I’ll get some scissors…

Lo and behold, six to seven minutes later, every balloon was neatly floating on its own. After I had taken the time to look up close and analyze what I was working with, I developed a little more motivation to dig in. And after I started pulling and prodding here and there very slowly and very carefully, I realized the knot was not, in fact, impossible. Bit by bit, a little budge here and a little twist there, the knot got looser and I could start to see the connections and which strings were holding which strings, which ones I would have to pull out first to free the ones underneath. It started to make sense and seem completely doable.



Being the profound person that I am, I immediately had an epiphany, a revelation. 

🌸This is a metaphor for life.🌸

Many, many times, you’re going to look at a situation and instinctively, automatically think It can’t be done. I’m here to tell you, friend, many, many of these daunting things can be done. They may take a little (or a lot of) time and effort and a closer look, but once you get into them, I am certain you will surprise yourself and find that you are actually capable of way more than you may initially think. For some reason, our minds so quickly turn to doubt, without any good reason. This has been proved to me in many situations in my own life (e.g. believing I could never memorize a piece in another language, assuming I couldn’t pass my Life and Health exam, and proving myself totally wrong each time. And the list goes on.)

Believe in yourself and what you’re capable of. The first step is a positive attitude. If you’re like most people, there are a plethora of things you may have contemplated and dropped before trying very hard because of an assumption that you “can’t”. An assumption that is not true! You CAN! Sometimes our minds get in our way. Go out and prove to yourself that you can do something you thought you never could. Just to say you did. You’ll be so inspired. And it’ll start to become a way of life. Silencing the negative thoughts and proving them wrong time and time again. Don’t forget that feeling and then do it again the next time! 

If you have any experiences to share, I’d love to hear them below!