Sometimes We Need to Let Go

7/28/17 10:30 am

Pregnancy is crazy. Emotional. Enlightening. Brutal.

But then again, is this very much different from life in general?

I stumbled upon a video on Facebook recently that really spoke to me and reminded me of our real purpose in life. We’re not meant to do this alone. We’re meant to depend on each other, and most importantly on God.

The Power of the Impossible – Blake Templeton

I try not to get too religious or preachy in my blog, but this is so close to my heart right now that I had to share it. One thing I would add on from my own personal beliefs is that we do have to take action and fulfill our “portion of responsibility” (Divine Principle, Sun Myung Moon), but from there, we have to have total faith that God will step in and bring us where we need to go; He will make possible whatever is the best outcome for us in any given situation.

Back to my pregnancy – I’m due on Monday, so I have about 3 days. My son was born 6 days early and then my daughter was born 1 day early. Up until two days ago or so, I was obsessing over when this baby is coming and if I should do anything to help speed him along (not talking induction yet, but through “at home” methods of ripening). I’m not even sure why I felt such an urge for him to arrive faster. I guess something to do with getting more and more uncomfortable and stretched out and therefore being too impatient and harsh with my two children at home (the ones outside my belly). But then I had this realization. Why am I trying to rush things? This baby will come when he’s good and ready. I think God purposely made it impossible for a woman to know exactly when she will go into labor (medical interventions aside) as a reminder that we can’t control everything in our lives, and we shouldn’t want to. Some things are better left up to God, Nature, the Universe, whatever you like to call it. In fact, it’s incredibly refreshing to give up some of the pressure and expectation that you put on yourself to control everything; to make sure everything “goes right” (as if you always really know what’s right). Sometimes, things just won’t “go right”, and that’s okay. Life is in its entirety a learning process. We’re not meant to “solve” it or “win” as if it’s a game, but just to live every day learning and growing and bettering ourselves one experience at a time. And in turn, helping others.

7/30/17 1:30 pm

So, if you read the time stamp up there, you’ll see that I wrote that bit a couple days ago. I had it saved as a draft. That same day, at 2:20 pm, my water broke, kick starting my labor, and my beautiful baby boy was born 3 1/2 hours later. 

What are the chances! 

Anyway, here I am now in my cozy little room. My hospital stay has been lovely – as it always is. As a mom, it’s incredibly refreshing to be able to lounge around watching TV and ordering room service (albeit in the pain of recovering from childbirth) in peace and quiet and have someone ELSE wait on YOUR hand and foot for a change!

I’m basking in the glow of newbornness. His smell, his gentle sighs, the little quivers of his body and pouts of his tiny lips.

The wait is over! He came on his own time. Perfect, perfect timing.

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Things I’m Going to Miss

So, I’ve been really trying to be present and appreciative and zen like; reminding myself to live in the moment and give my growing baby my undivided love and attention as often as possible.

This may be the last week I can really stretch my “appreciation” for this pregnancy though… As time goes on, I’m getting more and more to the point of “I’m so done!” Baby feels like he’s just going to drop right out.

But I want to be able to say I really cherished each moment (to the best of my ability in between pulling my hair out running after these other two) of this last pregnancy. So, every night, I take a few minutes to pray (My prayers tend to go like this, “Please help my children behave; please give me strength, patience, compassion, kindness, love, more patience…”) and read Scripture and try to get into Mommy/Fetus mode. To zone in and to connect. Tonight, I’m connecting through writing. Not thinking too deeply; just saying what comes to mind at this moment. With that, I bring you:

Things I’m not Going to Miss about Being Pregnant

  1. The stiffness/soreness in my neck and shoulders
  2. The extreme sensitivity of my right hip (I think it’s a pinched nerve type thing. Possibly sciatic nerve.)
  3. Pregnancy triggered hand eczema (started with my first pregnancy. Got it under control in this final pregnancy with diet restriction and creams! #Win!)
  4. Heartburn (all three, but I think my first was the worst)
  5. Lady issues (This is code because I don’t want to disturb anyone with TMI. Started with my second pregnancy but I have it TOTALLY under control in this pregnancy due to…PROBIOTICS! My God, this stuff is amazing. Absolute LIFESAVER)
  6. Aching bones in pelvic area especially when sleeping (and only being able to sleep on my sides! Argh!)
  7. Being swollen
  8. Having a sore butt and thighs after any drive longer than 30 minutes
  9. Not being able to bend down properly
  10. Numb wrists and hands (this is a totally new symptom that I never experienced in my other pregnancies. Started like 3 weeks ago and it’s super weird and disconcerting…hoping it goes away right quick after I have this little one!)
  11. Lumbering around like a cave man. So….heavy….
  12. Waddling around like a duck. I’m usually pretty good at avoiding this signature move, but as it gets this close, it’s hard to avoid…
  13. Feeling all the pressure of this growing being stretching me out and moving my organs out of the way. As a result, peeing all the time, stomach feeling smaller, lungs being restricted…
  14. Trying to keep two kids unharmed, fed, clothed, bathed, and behaved, while feeling all of the above. Especially bedtime OH MY GOD. We fell into the habit of all lying together until they fall asleep…(long story). But both want me to face them at the same time, they’re either fighting or totally distracted by everything, they take FOREVER to fall asleep, etc etc (I can’t wait for daylight savings again. The light seems to make a huge difference) ARGHH

Things I’m Definitely Going to Miss about Being Pregnant

  1. The kicks! And punches and hiccups and somersaults. It’s the weirdest, coolest, unexplainable feeling…a little human squirming around inside. And trying to figure out: Is that a foot? An elbow? Is he making a snow angel?
  2. Trying (and failing miserably) to take the perfect video of all the exquisite, excited movements. I swear they can tell when you turn the camera on. It’s like they get stage fright.
  3. Certain enhanced body parts…
  4. Lounging around with my older two as they rub/pat my belly, feeling his movements and giggling; pillow talking with them about what the baby is doing and what he’s going to be like
  5. Never being really alone; having a little sidekick with me at all times
  6. The excitement; the expectancy. What will he look like? What will he be like? How will the dynamic in our family change? He’ll fit right in like a missing puzzle piece we never knew we had and bring an overwhelming sense of calm and joy to our family. Right? Right?!
  7. Looking at people with doe eyes and having them offer me their seat or to cut them in line hehe…
  8. The right to act completely b*tchy now and again and be excused…
  9. The extra warmth and compassion from my husband – more spontaneous meals out, more cuddling (his hands are definitely my favorite to have on my belly), more attention, more taking the kids out so I can relax, just all around more lovin’
  10. Watching the perfectly formed (well, after he gets past looking like an alien) tiny black and white skeleton bouncing around on the Ultrasound screen
  11. Baby showers! I had to plan my own for my first cause no one thought to throw me one… Skipped it for my second. But by my third, my two closest friends here in NJ decided to plan one! Yay! It was really small, but it was perfect. Just sitting around catching up with friends, eating yummy food, opening presents (Yay free stuff!), playing games, and overall relaxing and enjoying good conversation. Nothin else like it
  12. Hearing baby’s tiny, yet strong and reassuring heartbeat on the Doppler
  13. People being more understanding toward me (i.e. not glaring at me as my 4 and 2 year old whisk by almost knocking them over, but just smiling knowingly and forgivingly). Not everyone, though. Some people are just dang harsh!
  14. Having that ultimate feminine silhouette. Despite the general weight gain, pregnant bellies are just so cute and endearing! And one out of every 30 photos is actually quite flattering!! Not to mention – absolutely no expectation to have a flat middle for once – Yay! I can relax and not suck it in for 9 whole months!

There are so many fascinating, incredible experiences and stages in life. Everything has a beginning and everything has an end. It’s bittersweet, but in a way, comforting. I wish all of you strength and peace, appreciation and love for whatever you may be going through right now. Every situation, good and bad, presents an opportunity for growth and a lesson learned. Every single experience makes us more human.

Welp! It’s an hour and a half past my bedtime! Good night!

Caffeine

So I’ve never been much of a coffee person. At least not a habitual drinker. I partake in coffee for the sake of socialization. I’m a social drinker. I certainly enjoy a Mocha Frappachino or a cafe mocha every now and then.

That being said, I’ve never experienced much of a reaction to caffeine. Never in all my 27 years have I noticed it making me more alert or keeping me awake at night (or any time of day for that matter).

Until last night.

I suppose I miraculously discovered the magical threshold. Turns out I’d just never tried drinking enough coffee. Or enough on an empty stomach. Or enough while pregnant? There could be all kinds of contributing factors, but all I know is, after having a medium Frappe Mocha from McDonald’s (which honestly looked to me like it should have been called a large – what was that like 4 cups worth? At least 3…) around 4 pm, I could not for the life of me turn my brain off come 11, 12, 1 in the morning. I started to really worry that I was somehow starting to develop insomnia (which I’ve heard from friends can be really annoying and sometimes scary). I lay on this side, I switched to that side, I sat on the rocker, I turned on the AC, I turned off the AC, I took a break and browsed my phone for 10 minutes, then tried it all again, all to no avail. My mind was racing a thousand miles an hour. On top of that, my baby was excitedly performing a full on acrobatic routine in my belly. I started to worry that I had really messed him up… And then my worry continued on to other things…if I was really prepared for labor and delivery, if I would be strong enough, if I would have him prematurely, if something would be wrong with him, if something is wrong with me, Can I handle 3 kids? What am I gonna do? What if they all fight every night and NO ONE. EVER. sleeps?!! Luckily, as if on cue, my son woke up and came to my room and lay next to me. That was actually surprisingly comforting. Kind of snapped me out of my little panic attack. I held his hand and my anxiety dissipated. Of course I still couldn’t sleep… and just as I was finally drifting off a while later, his sister came to join us (*sigh… what else is new…), which woke me up again and got me started again on this seemingly endless cycle. I think I ended up actually falling asleep around 3 or something. Got a good 3 and a half hours in! Hooray!

All in all, a learning experience. I FINALLY get what all the fuss is about! I finally understand how powerful caffeine is and how it affects people. I’ve also resolved to NEVER do that to myself again.

Note: Before you pounce on me, I know it’s not advisable to have that much caffeine on any given day while pregnant (I repeat; I did not know this medium would be such a large medium…). Up to this point, I have strictly abided by my midwives’ recommendations of no more than 2 cups of coffee a day, and I very rarely even have that. Caffeine from chocolate? Well, that’s another story…

Other note: If you think that cup is as funny as I think it is, you can find it here.

Third and Final Pregnancy Bucket List

Soon after I found out I was pregnant again, I created a list of things I wanted to do this pregnancy that I never got around to (or never had the energy to) during my first two pregnancies. Just for fun, I thought I’d share with you the items on that list:

1. Exercise every other day (eek! I’m definitely not exercising every other day at this point, but generally twice a week which is still better than what I did with my first two. *fistpump*)

2. Gain within 25 lbs and no more (ok let’s not talk about this…)

3. Limit sugar and wheat (they cause hand eczema breakouts and other annoying pregnancy symptoms. Oh and fat. Doin pretty good on the wheat, not as good on the sugar…)

4. Take Pinterest-worthy pregnancy announcement photos (Check!)

5. Take cute gender reveal photos (Check!)

6. Do daily Scripture reading (failing badly at this one)

7. Take progression photos – same spot, same angle weekly (haven’t missed a week!)

8. SPOIL myself – for once in my life (or recent life that is), buy something cute for myself and no one else, stop by Starbucks just because, let people help me, ASK for help, etc.

(Excluded all the other good stuff every expecting mom should do like get good sleep and take prenatals)

While we’re at it, just thought I’d add a few bullets on…

Things I’ve Never Wanted as a Pregnant Woman, Ever:

1. To have strangers rub my belly

2. To have photos taken of my naked belly (at least not to be shared by any public means)

3. To have children (including my own) poke my belly like I’m the Pillsbury dough boy

4. To have people who don’t know me give me instructions on how to behave during pregnancy

5. To put earbuds on my belly so my baby can listen to music (sorry if you’re into that! Just never made any sense to me)

6. To wear a two piece swimsuit anywhere past the first trimester (ok the latest was 16 weeks but that was with my first when I didn’t show much at all yet)

7. To hear how enormous I am/how I look like I’m due any minute or to be asked if I’m absolutely sure it’s not twins (for the record, I’m gonna get bigger, guys – a LOT bigger. Trust me; I’ve seen it happen.)

8. To have artwork done on my pregnant belly (no matter how famous or talented the artist)

9. To pop Tums every 4 hours, pee every 30 minutes, groan and moan when trying to get comfortable enough to sleep, pant up and down stairs, go on a sushi fast (God I miss sushi), watch obsessively and cry as stretch marks slowly develop, be exhausted by 4 pm, etc etc…

Sigh. Pregnant life.


Hanging in there at 32 weeks! So close and yet so far…

Keepin it Real

I haven’t written in three weeks. Today, I need it. I need the angry, pulsating blur of frustration, fatigue, and exasperation to dissipate and trickle out of my fingertips in the form of words on this page.

If any of you were wondering what it’s like being pregnant with two other kiddos under 5 running around, in a word, it’s exhausting. Some days are really f*cking hard. Today was one of those days. I’m empty. I’m at the end of my rope. I have used up every last reserve of energy. Between making meals, sweeping floors, washing dishes, attempting to knock a few calls off my call list and changing diapers, attempting to toilet train (haven’t gone all in yet; must get serious soon), putting baby girl in car, picking up older brother from daycare… (This reminds me – people have said to me in passing “Don’t run“, “Don’t pick her up“….Seriously? How is that possible? Do you actually expect me to go through my whole pregnancy without running or picking anyone up? Don’t see that happening… I mean I understand the good intention and I appreciate the concern, but it’s simply unrealistic.)

I don’t know what I did wrong today. I don’t know if I ate something weird, if I didn’t drink enough water, if I didn’t sleep enough, if I slept too much, if I didn’t read enough Scripture, if I didn’t pray enough, if my brain is too wired or on overdrive from trying to do too many things at once or simply from too many screens for one day… Some of you are probably thinking, “Ummm hormones? It’s not rocket science…” I’ll admit, you may be right. Except that this has happened before; many, many times when I wasn’t pregnant. I think every parent has these days. I think it comes with the territory.

Around dinner time, I had a full on screaming match with T after he started flipping out because I said he couldn’t have chocolate after he ate his meal. He had already had one this morning (and quite a lot over the last 3 days, so I had to put a stop to it before it became a habit). Totally stooped to his level, totally did all the things the parenting experts say not to do. I “lost my cool”. Supernanny would be so disappointed.

And I was doing so well…

I never told you about the instance when my mother in law told me I shouldn’t scream at my son so much, did I? This was about two months ago I suppose. I went into a mini depression because she was basically validating what I already knew was true, what I already felt impossibly guilty about. After I got over the initial shock, I kicked myself into gear and finished reading that Supernanny book I borrowed a month prior and had only read the first chapter of. She actually has some really helpful, basic, straight forward advice. She’s really big on praise and says it leaves 10 times as much of an impression as disciplining does, which was encouraging because I’ve always made a point to put a lot of emphasis on praise. We had already been using a sticker chart and it had definitely helped (I give him a sticker when he follows directions and acts properly and take one away if he does something really unacceptable. At first, it was 6 stickers to a prize; we recently increased to 8). What I have been meaning to incorporate is Supernanny’s version of Time Out which she calls the “Naughty Step”. Basically, you give two warnings – two chances for the child to correct his/her behavior (have to talk them through it and be very specific about what you are expecting) – and then the third time they repeat/continue the misbehavior, you take them to the “Naughty Step” or chair or corner of the room or wherever you decide for it to be. So, we made our list of House Rules (kept it simple – no hurting others, sit at the table when eating, clean up toys after playing). We didn’t write a No Screaming at the Top of Your Lungs til You’re Red in the Face and Throwing Laundry at Omma rule, but we should have. I gave him the two warnings. I told him he had to sit down and be quiet and stop disrespecting me, and he continued, so I screeched, “THAT’S IT! TIME OUT!” What I did wrong was that I got all heated and I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the next room (Supernanny notes the time out spot shouldn’t be a bedroom, but in the heat of the moment, I thought taking him into a different room would get my point across better.) Poor baby. It makes me sad thinking about it. Where was my patience? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I know this devastated feeling won’t last. This too shall pass. The good news is that tomorrow, I have a chance to start anew and to do better. I’ve come to expect all these highs and lows. This is real life. This is not a movie scripted to make everything fall into place; where everything works itself out and resolves itself neatly by the close of the day.

When things get crazy, when our minds are a mess and we are on our last legs, we just need to stop. Stop everything (even if we have to wait til after the kids go to bed, which most likely as parents, we do). Whenever we finally, finally have the chance, take a minute. A minute to take a few deep breaths, to meditate, to do yoga, to pray, to take a hot shower, to belt out a few songs on our favorite singing app (My singers, look up Smule in the app store! You won’t regret it!), to call a friend, to blog. Strand by strand, we can gather ourselves back together, pick up the pieces of ourselves that were tossed every which way in the tornado that was today. We can adoringly, quietly watch our little angels (I only call them angels when they’re asleep….) and rest assured that there’s no shortage of love in our hearts.

Tomorrow is a new day.

A Poem

I decided to revisit my fifth grade gifted and talented class days and try my hand at poetry again. I call this “Sketch of a Typical Morning in the J Household”. Just a rough draft, nothing serious. I’m not liking the way WordPress adds a whole giant space every time I go to the next line, but whatryagonnado…

[Dreaming]

Hubby and I walking through Central Park

What is that ruffling sound?

Zzzzzzzz

Is hubby crinkling a plastic bag?

Zzzzz

Tap tap click clack

Is that a train approaching?

[Roll over]

[Yawn]

*Giggle

That doesn’t sound like hubby

Heavy weight on my body

Something squishing my cheeks together

[beautiful dream fading]

*Giggle

That’s not hubby.

Eyes flutter, open halfway

I look to my right. It’s Y.

Up at 6:30

the usual.

Busy as a bee arranging blocks in a line and shuffling papers

Better get up before she gets to the fridge

She always does.

Come on, Diane, you can do it

Up, up, up!

….

Outta bed sleepy head!

….

Where’s mom with that annoying Time to Get Up song when you need her?

Ughhhhh

Why do I NEVER feel like I had enough sleep…

Oh I know. Probably because each child generally wakes up at least twice…so I really DON’T get enough sleep…

And now I’m pregnant….

Woe is me… Ok enough of the pity party

[Finally extracts self out of bed as slowly as humanly possible]

Let’s see the mess she’s caused so far

Ok, not too bad, only three toy baskets overturned.

At least all the food is still in the fridge. Let’s count our blessings

“Y, let’s go into the other room for a few minutes until big brother wakes up” (maybe mommy can even steal another few winks…)

10 minutes later (or 15? Who can tell)

*Footsteps

That’ll be him!

“Morning, darling”

*big hug

Time to start the day

Any legit poets out there, I’m open to constructive criticism, but be gentle please! I’m rusty after…17 years 😉

Duh duh duh dun duh DUN!!! *Trumpets playing*

So, I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you we are expecting a baby! My son turned 4 in December, my daughter is 2 and a quarter and this little piggy makes number three! Hubby and I are pretty sure we feel like this completes us, but I think we should always leave the possibility window open a crack, in case God has other plans. We’ll see what I say once bebe is here. I may slam that window right shut 😜.

I am excited and petrified. Part of me finds myself in la la land daydreaming about holding a wee one again, and part of me gets nervous knots in my stomach thinking about handling three at bedtime. Or mealtime or going to school time or anytime.

I have a few friends with three kiddos. I may be knocking on their doors (at least their Facebook Messenger doors) a few times over the next…decade. Surely I will need advice (and comfort?!) from those more experienced than I. My favorite reactions to my news from my seasoned mom friends so far are: “You’re in for a wild and wonderful ride!” and “Three is big time!” 😬😄


Hey, guys, can we get kisses too?

Since we’re *planning* that three is it, I spent some time reminding myself of all the things I wanted to do during my previous pregnancies that I either got too busy (or lazy) to do or just didn’t allow myself because they were “unnecessary”. I have written out a whole list of things I’m going to do this time around because this is my last chance! One thing on my list is “cute announcement photo”. I wanted to take some “Aww” inspiring announcement photos, so that my entire Pinterest board would not have been made in vain. I actually tried to do the above shoe one when I was pregnant with my daughter, but my husband was fussy and I dropped it. This time I stood my ground and pulled the “Last baby” card! I may have to keep that card real handy 😉.  Didn’t my sister in law do a great job? She visited from Cali at just the perfect time! In case you were wondering, no, it is NOT easy to take photos with two active kids. I’m actually amazed how many came out well. We did the same shoe succession picture on a football field as well, so that the number 3 was in it.


This one was with a Samsung (don’t know if you can tell the quality difference at first glance, but this is the main reason I have an iPhone). Lighting was much better at this time of day than in the others. I probably should have gone back home to get my charger, but I didn’t. We came back the next morning on our way to breakfast – hence the really bright ones – and the dang park/field was closed, so we couldn’t go back to the “3”.


This one was taken with my iPhone before it died. Big difference, right? I got these shoes at Walmart. They didn’t really have any gender neutral ones like white or something, but we could have a sporty girl. I may try to do a short gender reveal photo shoot (also something on my list). Not professional, just something like what my sister in law did for us.

I also quite like this unplanned one where you find yourself trying to figure out if that is belly or just lumpy coat.


The answer is both! I definitely started to show earlier this pregnancy than during my first two, which they say is the norm. Not that it made me very happy… I just felt fat. But now my belly is sort of rounding out nicely so it looks more like baby and less like a dozen too many doughnuts. Speaking of doughnuts, during the early weeks, along with nausea came my body’s rejection of sweets. Very weird (but good, of course). The brownies and cookies and chocolate I normally love made me sick, so I went for a while without. It was kind of nice to not have to use will power to avoid all that goodness. As I neared 12 weeks, unfortunately, my usual sweet tooth came back with a vengeance (Eek! Now, where did I leave my Self Control?…)

Readers who have more than two kids, any words of wisdom for me?! Advice is much appreciated! 

Blah

So, I’ve been really overwhelmed by a lot of things (some of which I’ll go into at a later time) and this week, everything was just magnified because I have both the kids because of Winter break. I swear I feel like I’ve been non stop screaming. I am trying so hard to teach my four year old patience, respect, and Number One: Refraining-From-Hitting-The-Sister. It is super freaking hard! I’m hoping things will cool off once he’s back at daycare, but it’s like it takes literally two seconds for him to snap at her. I’ll admit, I snap too! So maybe I’m contributing to the problem! Aghhhhh what am I doing with my life?!?! My friends have tried to comfort me, and they’ve helped. “We all go through this”, “You’re a good mom”, “They’re just kids”. And yet I still feel so desperately worried that I am scarring my children for life by doing something wrong.

No solutions today. Just venting. 

Bedtime used to be my favorite time of the day. Y would go down into her crib without a fight while T stayed patiently in the other room playing by himself for 5 minutes. Then, all of a sudden, he decides he WILL NOT stay in the other room. And almost simultaneously Y decides she WILL NOT go down into her crib without a very loud fight. So for a few weeks, I struggled with them and tore my hair out trying to figure out what I should do (my husband works nights, so I’m alone). After some contemplation, I decided I shouldn’t force my son away from me if he just wants to be close to me. So I let him stay with Y and I in her bedroom. Our current set up is just the three of us all lying next to each other on the big bed. T is still pretty calm and falls asleep relatively easily (I miss my sweet alone time with my sweet boy), but Y, oh my God, she is a hot mess when she’s trying to fall asleep (like T used to be…so I guess it’s normal). Just the tossing and turning and rolling on us and the whining and crying UGHHH for like an hour (at about the halfway point, her brother usually falls asleep). And just like that, bedtime is now my LEAST favorite part of the day. I pray to God it changes again (well, yeah, of course it will, but we don’t know when).

I also had a really uncomfortable (ok, infuriating) conversation earlier today with some family members, and I am just so done at this point.

I love parenting. I share many, many inspiring, life giving moments with my children. Today, it’s just really hard.

Sorry for the doom and gloom post… In case you missed it the first couple times, I am having a sh*t day. Just keepin’ it real, folks. Hope y’all are feeling better than I.

Late Night Thoughts


To my fellow parents:

Have you ever stopped and stared at your little one(s) and thought, “Man, I have it so good. My life is just the best, the absolute BEST!”

Sometimes I’m going about my day and I’m suddenly just overtaken by this overwhelming sense of joy. Like my heart is going to burst because I love them so much more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.

Children are phenomenal, sensational, inexplicably priceless.  They are mini versions of us, extensions of us, beautiful little messes coming into their own. It’s fantastic to discover the resemblances physically, emotionally, and in personality.

Every day life is so hard sometimes, but all in all we are simply blessed. Our little ones look to us for love, attention, recognition, acceptance, explanation/understanding of the world, calming of their fears, lifting up of their strengths and their dreams. We have an awesome responsibility. We are shaping the future one little being at a time. I am humbled, honored and eternally grateful. And I pray that my patient, kind, God-centered parenting (#goals) will allow my children to grow up to leave a positive imprint on this world!

You’re doing great, moms and dads. You’re doing the most important job in the world. Keep it up.

Just Another Day

5:15 pm:

I’m hiding out in the kitchen away from my kids eating gluten free chocolate chip cookies I made last night (I avoid wheat as much as I can because I have a mild allergy). I’m flustered and jittery and impatient and chocolate is helping me cling onto some semblance of sanity. This happens a lot. I’ve gone through about 8/10 of the day, expended dizzying amounts of physical and emotional energy since the break of dawn, and I feel like I’m approaching some type of breaking point (or maybe “not giving a sh*t point” is a better assessment ). The kids are fighting, I’m exhausted, the dishes are still where I left them (where are those little elves when you need them?) I really shouldn’t be staying up so many nights watching Jimmy Fallon on YouTube. This is basically my own fault. Can we end this day early? Can I just hit sleep mode on both my kids now? Can I call in sick?

7:55 pm

I made it! 

Y drifted quickly to sleep in her crib without so much as a whimper (the past few days have been VERY different, but today I got lucky!)

T helped me put away about five puzzle pieces out of the thousands strewn across the living room floor (Every time without fail, he is overcome with exhaustion the instant I utter the word “clean”). I read the five books he requested, flossed and brushed his teeth [I’m super grateful that ever since I explained what the dentist said during our last visit – that he has a little dark spot on one tooth that will become a cavity (or in more appropriate terms, a black, yucky hole/monster) if he doesn’t floss and brush thoroughly, he doesn’t put up a fight!], prayed with him, and snuggled with him until he fell asleep (5 minutes BEFORE 8! Whoa!). Have I mentioned bedtime is my favorite part of the day? Being that I’ve been so tired all day, I would love to cut the vicious cycle and go to sleep now. I don’t think I have that luxury, though, because there are toys and shoes and undoubtedly small bits of food scattered here and there, and as I’ve mentioned, my elves seem to be on vacation. So, here I go! Off to clean the same dishes and the same floors I cleaned yesterday! (If I am giving you the impression I am a very organized and tidy person, that impression is wrong. I will be doing my usual quickly-throw-everything-into-containers clean up; nothing crazy) Maybe a little chocolate will make this all easier…