You may or may not have noticed (if you even remember who I am being that I post once every few months now… *ashamed face*) that I’m a no frills mom, so to speak. I am usually sleep deprived, stiff, sore, late, AND anxious or stressed about something. Despite all this, I’m actually very happy, but here are a few examples that I think paint a pretty accurate picture of my momming style. Completely technical and scientifically based of course. Hope they bring a giggle or two.
1. Kids: Can we go to the park?
Mom: No, it’s too late.
Kids: Pllllleeeeeeease, please can we go!!
Mom: No, it’s too cold.
Kids: Buuuut Uuuummmmaaaaaaaaa, we wanna go to the park!!!! We wanna we wanna we wanna we wanna!!!!
Mom: looks in their cute little faces and feels bad about yelling at them the day before. And justifies by thinking kids need fresh air and to get their energy out. “Alright, let’s do it!” Has a blast.
Daughter: I don’t want that pizza! I only like pepperoni pizza!
Son: I want that pizza! Umma, can you make pizza?
Mom: Listen, I’m not making two different meals for you guys.
Daughter: Can I have a sandwich?
Mom: No. We’re having pizza.
Daughter: whining, wailing
Mom: screaming in exasperation
Toddler: running around in circles singing the ABCs and barking like a dog
Mom: Sigh, and what in the heck will HE eat?! *starts to tear up*
Son and daughter: arguing
Mom: yelling that Umma works so hard and does so much for you guys; please just be grateful and don’t give her even more extra work to do!!!
Mom: proceeds to make cheese pizza, turkey sandwiches, corn, rice balls, and some spaghetti just in case….
3. — at an outdoor bazaar–
Friendly, well meaning vendor: Hello! Here is our selection of childrens’ socks! Are you looking for boy’s or girl’s?
Me: Boy’s. My daughter will just use his when he grows out of them.
Nice lady: Ok! What does he like? We have Spiderman, Paw Patrol, Ninja Turtles…
Me: Oh we’re not picky.
Nice lady: Any particular colors?
Me: I’d really like just a bunch of the same – like 20 of the same exact sock. No colors or shapes is fine. Actually, black is good. That way the stains don’t show. The short kind that he can pull on and off himself.
Nice lady: Here you go!
Me: Perfect, thanks!
4. Mom: Please do two things for me, Y. Pick up the books and put them in the shelves and pick up the toys and put them in the toy closet – anywhere in the closet is fine.
Mom: Takes 3 deep breaths. Y, don’t say “No” to me. Have some respect.
Daughter: I don’t wanna clean. I’m too tired. Groans and lies on the floor dramatically.
Mom: I’m tired too! Groans and lies on the floor dramatically.
5. Mom: Brush your teeth and change into your PJs
Kid: Ok. Continues playing.
Mom, 5 minutes later: Brush your teeth and change your clothes.
Kid: Nothing. Oblivious.
Mom, 5 minutes later: Brush your teeth and change.
Kid: Completely absorbed in everything on the planet besides getting ready for bed. 100% distracted.
Mom, 5 minutes later: Incentive 1, incentive 2, incentive 3. Followed by threat 1, threat 2, threat 3.
Kid: Still not changed
Mom: THAT’S IT!!! LIGHTS OUT!!! GOOD NIGHT!!! (slams door) *guilty emoji* Not proud…
6. Daughter: I wanna wear this sparkly skirt to school today!
Daughter: And I wanna wear these blue pants and rainbow shirt!
Daughter: And I wanna wear this strawberry hat and these green sunglasses and yellow boots, and this hat too!
Mom: You’re so funny. Go for it!
7. Child: Umma, look at this! Does something he thinks is super cool.
Mom: Wow, that’s awesome!
Child, 1 minute later: Umma, look at this! Does something he thinks is even cooler.
Mom: What!! How did you do that?! *beams with pride*
Child, 1 minute later: Umma, umma, look! Does something really similar that he thinks is completely different.
Mom: watches patiently, gasps! That is so cool! You’re doing so great!
8. One of the kids: Umma, can I -insert something ridiculously messy like “see if I can crack this egg in one hand cause some show said it was impossible” or “make my own bubble soap and blow messy bubbles all over the dining room, soaking the entire table and floor” or “build a giant fort out of every last pillow, sheet, blanket, chair and basically anything else movable”?
Yes, for science.
9. Daughter: being difficult
Mom: You know what, Y, no matter what you do, ever, I always love you. I get so mad at you when you don’t cooperate, but I will always love you so, so much no matter what. I love you guys more than anything in the world!
Daughter: snuggles. Yeah, you’re always gonna love me right? Smiles. I love you super duper guper much!!
A wise friend of mine once said, “They put up with me more than I put up with them.” Thanks, darlings, for blessing me with the opportunity to be your imperfect mom.